Or, less euphemistically, you're a clapped out, geriatric waste of space. You're a computer. Specifically a Mac. More specifically: my iMac, born 2006.
You don't look old, you look fresh and shiny and well cared for. That's me, your devoted carer, reflected in your screen. But you were programmed to die young and you've had it. Your Motherboard is dead and without that mother-f….r you're an empty carcass. The god Apple who created you doesn't replace vintage mothers. He "doesn't make the parts anymore". There are approved independent engineers who will replace your mother for about £300 but the maximum guarantee they'll give for her longevity is 90 days. Sorry mate.
This is the suitcase in which I carried my sick Mac to hospital last night, the shiny Apple Store on Regent Street.
This is the Apple Store and that's me in the foreground, disguised as Augustine, struggling to push reluctant suitcase into the premises. The store stays open late and my appointment at the Genius Bar was at 7:45 pm. In spite of my anxiety about Mac's health, I must admit that I always enjoy the welcoming ambiance with all those twinkling Apple toys to try out and the blue t-shirted assistants running around smiling and being helpful.
I was lucky since my assigned Genius, who looked about twelve but might have been thirty, was probably the smartest of them all - several other Geniuses kept coming to him for answers. Not only was he articulate and knowledgeable but he also wholly agreed with me about the outrageousness of built-in obsolescence. Having examined my Mac, held his ear to its chest, he gave me the verdict which I've anthropomorphised above.
But not all the news were bad: the good news were that Mac's hard drive (with all my files, but not old software) could be removed and then plugged into my laptop and/or a new computer and I could do this myself. He must have been aware of my geekiness because he drew some immaculate how-to diagrams which will allow me to perform the operation at home. This Genius did not try to sell me anything and spent nearly two hours giving me valuable, impartial help free of charge. I had also brought my MacBook laptop and he fixed some functions which were not working properly. So things are not quite as bad as I thought they might be although I will, in due course, have to decide about getting a new desktop. The old version of Dreamweaver, the crucial tool I use to design and upload my website and Blaugustine (the main blog) does not work on more recent Macs, like this laptop. So, for the moment, I'll continue to post only on this Mirror Blog.